June 09, 2011

June Joke Letter

I used to send out a JokeLetter once a month via e-mail to my family and friends. It was so much fun, and I miss it, so I'll be doing a monthly joke-blog for your entertainment, starting today.

This month's jokes are for anyone who has ever had a college roommate. I remember these used to make me and my college roommate laugh and laugh... I hope they amuse you as well.

Ways to Confuse Your College Roommate
1.Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.

2.Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."

3. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.

4.Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.

5.Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."

6.Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.

 7.Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find.

8.Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.

9.Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.

10.Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and throw yourself around the room. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that doggone hypnotist...."

11.Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."

12.Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."

13.Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.

14.Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.

15.Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.

16.Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.

17.Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."

18.Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.

19.Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."

20. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the hallway and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.

21.Offer to shake hands, all the time.  Immediately afterwards, go to the bathroom and wash your hands for about half an hour.  If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Better to be safe than sorry."

22.Use your VCR as a toaster, stuffing bread or pop-tarts into it every morning.  When you eat them, complain that something doesn't taste quite right.  Adjust the tracking on your VCR, and from then on rave about how good the food is.

23.Keep a plant by your telephone.  Every time you enter the room, ask the plant if anybody called.  Complain to your roommate that the plant has been making up wild stories about important phone calls.

24.Get a Pet Rock.  Sleep with it, and read it bedtime stories.  Every night, as soon as you turn out the light, start screaming at the top of your lungs.  Explain to your roommate that the rock is afraid of the dark.

25. Stuff yourself into a big plastic bag.  Tell your roommate that you've contracted a rare case of the Bulgarian Measels, and you're now being quarantined by the Health Center. 

26.Get a sponge and draw a face on it.  Take it to class with you.  Let the sponge help you with your homework.  Leave notes to your roommate from the sponge, accusing your roommate of not living up to his/her academic potential.

27. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."

28. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much T.V. Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.

29. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them  tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."

30. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

31. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

32. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

33. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.

34. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

35. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.

36. Keep a goldfish in your room.  Watch it for hours, writing down all of its movements and actions in a notebook.  Then, one day, stuff the notebook in the fish bowl, and write down all of its movements and actions on the fish.  If your roommate asks, explain that the notebook is a lot easier to keep track of, and doesn't eat nearly as much.

37. Set your alarm for any time during the day.  When it goes off, immediately go to bed, letting the alarm clock continue ringing or buzzing until your roommate turns it off.  When he/she does, get up and go about your normal daily business.

38. Put an umbrella up, over your bed.  Sleep underneath it at night.  If your roommate asks about it, respond by saying, "A storm's a-brewin'." Then, one night, get a bucket of water and dump it on your roommate while he/she is sleeping.  Get back into bed.  If your roommate asks about the incident, claim that you don't know what happened.

39. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

40. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

41. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 

42. Remove the door to your room and mail it to your roommate's parents, postage due.

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